When it comes time to search for that perfect adoptive family, some birth mothers already know exactly what to look for. Others seem to search endlessly, and find one family has only some qualities they are hoping for, and the remaining with a different family. Some birth motherís find one adoptive family that fits their every need, but as placement draws near, their needs change and itís back to square one. All of these situations, although frustrating, are completely normal. Finding the family you are looking for is perhaps the most significant part of placement. If you are struggling with your search for that ideal adoptive family, take a few days to look over your list of qualities, needs, and expectations. Give yourself some time for personal reflection and talk to your support group.
As a birth mother, you have every right to be picky. If you do not find an adoptive family that fits, how can you go through with placement? To assist you in finding the family youíre looking for, here is a list of questions to ask yourself, and some ideas and resources. Also, for those whose major concern is just finding a loving family, and do not have specific qualifications for the perspective adoptive family, these may still come in handy.
When establishing the difference between the types of adoption, definitions are always useful, but considering possible scenarios you may experience can help you connect personally and gain more insight into feelings that may come up in the future. Here is a list of examples to consider when choosing your adopting family and 3 different types of adoption including; Closed, Semi-Open, and Open.
Scenario 1 (Closed): Say you have decided that watching or being involved in your childís life will cause too much pain and that you want a closed adoption. What happens if a family is chosen that wants a closed adoption as well, but as pregnancy progresses, or after your baby is born, you decide there is no way you can place the child and have no contact? The family chosen gets their hopes up and suddenly, you are faced with this process of choosing the family all over again.
Scenario 2 (Semi-Open): Say you have chosen a semi-open adoption and have agreed to contact through letters, pictures, and e-mails. After placing you decide it may be beneficial for your healing process to see your baby one last time, or to see the adoptive family in person to help you gain the closure you desperately need. What if the family is not comfortable with contact of that nature? It would be past the point of changing the adopting family and then what?
Scenario 3 (Open): Say in choosing an open adoption with visits, phone calls, emails and all other forms of communication. The family wants it this way due to personal reasons, and as time passes you feel as though you are not able to move forward with life in ways that are necessary for some birth mothers. You might decide you need to cut down the amount of contact and begin a new chapter in your life. This family has reasons that are very important to them and they feel hurt or confused? How will the child you placed deal with this?
These are things to consider in determining the amount of openness and contact. Adoptive couples also go through a process of determining the amount of contact they are comfortable with and their reasons are also important to them. This is why looking at possible scenarios as well as the definitions of types of adoption are helpful. Creating a specific post-placement plan will help you decide how to fit your needs to a family. Other things to look at are:
Religion: Obviously, if you have strong beliefs or belong to a certain faith, this will be very important.
Adoptive family with or without children: : Some birth mothers want to be able to give the gift of a first child. Other birth moms want the couple to have children already, adopted or conceived, so that when they place their baby with the couple, the child will have siblings. Either choice is amazing and will bring happiness to both.
Personality traits: : Many are looking for couples with the same type of personality traits as their own. Some examples are, sense of humor, what hobbies they enjoy, and looking through photos will tell you to some degree what type of personality they may have.
For more things you may want to consider when choosing a family to place with, visit http://pregnancy.adoption.com/pregna...ht-family.html. Other resources are available here on the site such as, birth mother message boards, adoption terms, forums, blogs, parent profiles(hopeful adoptive families),and much more. Also checking out personal placement stories from birth mothers will help you see how others were able to choose a family and establish a good relationship and boundaries. Reaching out to your family members can provide advice from those you know care deeply for you and your baby. If the issue of openness is weighing on you, create that written post-placement plan and when you find a family you like, ask if they are willing to meet before and discuss in person the plan you have in mind. If you are more comfortable, ask the third party involved to communicate with them about your plan and ask for feedback. This should move things right along.