Nellie_J

Ha ! I got you with the title didn't I! In truth I have been staying with a friend for a few days who is a new Mommy of a 2 month old, just released from the NICU, who has a diagnosis of downs syndrome.

First thing, don't feel bad for this family, because she is beautiful. She has the prettiest baby blues I have seen and I was honored to be here when she came home and to hold and love her...you cannot imagine what an honor and blessing she is.

I have been working a lot, and needed some rest and peace. This baby, well all babies for me, has been absolutely refreshing to get to be a part of her life.

Watching the kids has been interesting, and their reactions to a new little person who demands so much has changed the environment only slightly. Peace abounds, naps are had and kids love their sister. Me? I love being "Aunty" Nellie if you will to this precious little girl. I cant wait to spoil her pink. Yes, I said it, PINK. frilly dresses here we come!

With this blessing, I have however had some setbacks emotionally speaking. In seeing, even a special needs child home, I have felt a smidegon of grief that threatened to drag me down. I spent the better part of last night praying and talking to God in between sobs, asking him to take the sadness from my heart and to heal the broken places. I have faith as a birthparent and a believer that I will not always feel grief as I used to. I wake up joyful everyday, because I have found the blessing and wholeness in my life with the Lord.

Believe what you want, but for me, I am at peace today and not a wreck. Not perfect but my heart echoes love, not pain. I am learning to face the grief head on, and deal with it as it has transformed but also have learned to walk in the peace given to me.

I don't know why I felt grief, or why memories and thoughts came up last night, but I didn't bury myself into a ball (for very long, at least) but faced the pain, and didn't hide behind anything to mask it.

I think, though not an expert on it, that we can heal. A person chooses to dwell in pain, but you can choose to see the best in every moment, and even when things aren't okay, you make it through. I speak that from experience, trust me.

It is my hope for every birth parent to know peace and wholeness, and heal fully (i def want to! ), and though we may grieve for short periods of times (new babies of friends, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays...) we can walk through it and walk out stronger, and hopefully walk someone else through those same overwhelming feelings.

Wherever you are in the process, you aren't alone, and don't isolate yourself. Let the right person in, and ask God for the help you need.

Love and hugs to everyone. Hopefully with my hours decreasing I will be posting more. Hang in there, and if you read my blog, let me know. I would love to know what you think!